


We are like a time bomb set into motion.

by lumoon33



Category: K-pop, iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, I love that tag, I'm Sorry, M/M, OT7, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, a timeless mess, ao3 fucked up the tags they are out of order wtf, basically romantic relationships between the members through chanwoo's eyes, minor chanwoo/yunhyeong in one paragraph lmao, plus things chanwoo never gets to see, whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 12:09:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8979133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumoon33/pseuds/lumoon33
Summary: It is difficult for Chanwoo at first, joining the group when the other members are already friends. But he doesn't give up. He keeps going and decides to observe his new friends, learn how they work and see where he can fit.That's how he starts noticing things.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [abovemvthroat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/abovemvthroat/gifts).



> this is my first fanfic for this fandom and i'm kinda new here so i'm sorry if some things don't make sense or if you feel like they are ooc, hopefully i'll post better works about them in the future!  
> also i hope this isn't too dense because three different pairings in one story can feel like too much
> 
> english isn't my first language, sorry if there are any weird mistakes  
> i hope you like it!

When Chanwoo officially joins iKON, it doesn't take him too long to adjust to the dynamic of the group. He notices quickly and easily the dynamics between the other members. 

 

 

 

 

 

He sees things he didn't realize during the Mix&Match era, when everything was tension and anxiety and stress, when everyone was a little bit too irascible and worried. 

 

It's different now, the way they all work together without so much pressure on them. They are still bent under high expectations and insecurities, but they lean on each other instead of shielding themselves.  

 

It is difficult for Chanwoo at first, joining the group when the other members are already friends. During Mix&Match he wasn't the only newbie, so it was easier, less scary; but once the survival show is over, he realizes how hard it actually is, how lonely he really feels.  

 

Even though the other members are always there for him, with hugs and smiles ready if he needs them, it's still awkward. Sometimes it becomes too much, so much he feels like quitting.  

 

But he doesn't. He keeps going and decides to observe his new friends, learn how they work and see where he can fit. 

 

That's how he starts noticing things. 

 

\--- 

 

The first thing Chanwoo notices is Hanbin and Jiwon. It's not like it's difficult; they are so loud and so bright together, he wonders if someone could actually miss it. 

 

It takes him a while, though, with Jinhwan always close to them, as if their relationship is something more like the golden trio than the partners in crime they actually are. Chanwoo doesn't really know the role Jinhwan plays until he figures out he's like their guardian angel, like a big brother, a babysitter even. 

 

Jiwon and Hanbin always get lost when they are close, wrapped up in each other, caught up in their own world, a safe place they seem to never want to leave. Jinhwan is the one who pulls them out of it when they sink in too deep.

 

They are long nights in the studio, walks around the city at random hours in the morning, horror movie nights with more chirpy laughter than scared screams. They are tickle fights and sharing mugs of hot, black coffee and borrowing each other's clothes without asking first. They are taking jokes too far and barely sleeping and Jinhwan always chasing after them, trying to stop them when they overwork themselves, buying them food when they get so lost between lyrics they forget to eat, trying to get them into bed at a reasonable hour; they are Jinhwan failing nine times out of ten. 

 

They are all or nothing. They move too fast and fall too hard. Always side by side. They've been like this for many years. 

 

\--- 

 

The second thing Chanwoo notices is Jinhwan and Junhoe. Or more specifically, the way Junhoe acts around Jinhwan. 

 

He knows Junhoe is difficult to approach, a little intimidating maybe; but he's easy to talk to, he knows how to make you feel comfortable, can make you laugh until your belly hurts. But he stops before it gets too real, he won't talk about deep feelings, won't let you into his personal space.

 

It's different when it comes to Jinhwan, though.

 

Maybe it's Jinhwan's gentle personality, how easygoing he is, that drags Junhoe closer and closer, slowly but steadily. 

 

Jinhwan draws people to him, it's just a fact. Even Chanwoo finds himself leaning on Jinhwan sometimes, looking for that physical comfort he needs when they've been so many weeks away from their families he's lost count. And Junhoe may be easy to laugh with, but he isn't easy to pull in and open up. 

 

Chanwoo doesn't know how it starts, why it starts, nor when. Maybe Junhoe just needs that support they all need, that someone to lean into when loneliness and homesickness become unbearable. Chanwoo has no idea; but one day he notices how Junhoe always tries to sit next to Jinhwan, he sees the small, almost furtive touches and how Junhoe looks at Jinhwan every time he cracks a joke, waiting for his approval, a little awkward and always relieved when Jinhwan laughs, as if all of his jokes are dedicated to Jinhwan's laughter. Chanwoo never misses the way Jinhwan's eyes go softer every time Junhoe is pressed against his side. 

 

And all of a sudden they are crooked smiles and wrinkled eyes and always shared hotel rooms (beds too, but Chanwoo never gets to see that). They are legs tangled under tables and fingers tangled in the other's hair for no reason and life stories tangled in late night conversations. They are gentle pats on shoulders, hands squeezing waists, fingers curling around wrists, and Jinhwan in oversized clothes (Junhoe's clothes). 

 

They are careful touches and hesitant steps, but always moving forward.

 

\--- 

 

Then there's Donghyuk and Yunhyeong. The quietest and most obvious at the same time. So open, so right in your face that you miss them. They don't hide anything, so you don't think there's something to hide. 

 

Except there is.

 

Chanwoo sees it in the way Yunhyeong proclaims he loves everyone, but adds he loves Donghyuk the most. He notices it in the way Donghyuk is always giving everyone hugs, but there's always one more for Yunhyeong.

 

It clicks when they sit at the foot of Chanwoo's bed one of those nights he isn't feeling too well, and they tell him their stories of when they joined iKON, when the group didn't even have a name. Everything falls into place when Chanwoo realizes he's listening to one story instead of two. They've shared everything almost from the start.

 

They are unexpected backhugs, falling asleep on planes leaning against each other, improvised piggyback races against no one. They are hidden smiles in the crook of the other's neck and pillow fights and intertwined fingers, hands swinging between them. They are kisses on cheeks and I love you's in front of everyone that mean more than they should. They are the same big dreams and shared bigger fears, never feeling good enough but making each other feel invincible at the same time. 

 

They are giving without asking for something in return, and always giving back. Making each other smile, lighting up the whole group.

 

\---

 

Chanwoo loves how they all work together. They are a good team, a bunch of friends trying to have fun even if they are tired to their bones and even deeper. 

 

There are a lot of hard days, though, when the stress is over the top and gets the best of them. He notices different dynamics those days.

 

When practice doesn't go how it should, Hanbin gets carried away. He makes them repeat the same choreography until their clothes are soaked in sweat and they can't feel their feet; he makes them sing the same words over and over until their mouths are dry and their voices are hoarse. 

 

Jinhwan is the one who stops him, with a tender hand on his shoulder and soft words in his ear. Junhoe is the one who stays by his side until Hanbin goes back to safe waters, never touching but always close enough to pick him up in case he falls to pieces, ready to share the burden if it gets to be unbearable.

 

When Donghyuk is so tired even blinking seems like an effort, Jiwon is always there with bad jokes curling up his lips, brightening up Donghyuk's eyes again, thus bringing the light back to the whole band. 

 

Or when Junhoe gets angry at himself because nothing seems to work and even Chanwoo, watching carefully from afar, can feel his confidence crumpling. Yunhyeong always goes to him and asks for help, keeps him going, makes him see he's always needed, shows him he can make others better. 

 

Chanwoo notices how Junhoe and Jiwon are less awkward around each other when they are exhausted, too tired to care about possible wrong moves that could make the tension between them more present. 

 

He sees Yunhyeong keeping the smile on his face in the hardest moments, lifting everyone's mood even when his own mood is probably the lowest. Always holding back his tears until no one can see him.

 

They are hot practice rooms, messy hotel rooms, and never getting enough sleep. They are frustrated screams and loud laughter. They are tripping over their own feet and purposefully singing off-key. They are helping hands, shared water bottles, massaging each other's shoulders. Wet hair and worn out trainers and bad ideas. They are Jinhwan smiling at Yunhyeong, and Donghyuk patting Junhoe's shoulder, and everyone praising Hanbin.

 

And Chanwoo is always there, finishing Jiwon's bad jokes, hugging Yunhyeong, fist-bumping Hanbin, teasing them all until their smiles stop being forced. 

 

They are a family, and Chanwoo has felt part of it for a long time.

 

\--- 

 

One of the most interesting things for Chanwoo is the way Hanbin and Jiwon work.

 

Hanbin is always on the edge of breaking down, he carries too many responsibilities on his shoulders, he's too young to deal with it alone but too stubborn to ask for help. Jiwon is exactly the breeze of fresh air he needs, like breathing again after being underwater for too long. 

 

It's kind of amazing, the way Hanbin's face lights up when Jiwon is around, how he's always tense when he isn't. He acts like the 20-year-old boy he is when they are together out of the practice room; they lose track of time between lame jokes and carefree laughter, always touching, drowning each other in affection. Jiwon makes Hanbin forget about all those responsibilities that keep him awake at night, he saves him day by day. 

 

Chanwoo notices that every time Jiwon is away from them, working on his solo projects, it affects the whole group, as if smiling is a little difficult without him. But when it comes to Hanbin, the change is obvious; he's always moping around, gaze low and dropped shoulders, wrapping himself around everyone who crosses his way, seeking that affection he always gets from Jiwon. 

 

Jiwon, he's like an explosion. He's too much energy caught up in his body, always burning, shining brighter and brighter. He never runs out of light, stealing it from others when he's lacking. And Hanbin is the one who willingly gives it to him with open hands, lets him drain him and looks like he'll fade away if Jiwon ever stops.

 

You can't think of one without the other. Jiwon can't shine without Hanbin, and Hanbin can't breathe without Jiwon. They explode together, consume each other, and start all over again.

 

\--- 

 

Jinhwan is a flirt, everyone knows that.

 

He loves to play around on camera; Chanwoo has experienced it firsthand, he's been caught up in his games countless times. He fools you with that sweet face of his, smiles up at you all innocent, and before you know it he's pressed up against you and you've turned into a flustered mess.

 

It's kind of fun, their fans going crazy every time they are a bit too close on stage, that's why Chanwoo and all of them play along. 

 

It's not like he's the only one who does it; one of Chanwoo's favourite things when they perform is joking around with Yunhyeong, empty water bottles over his head, holding his hand, running around together. 

 

But Jinhwan always goes a step further than handholding and arms around shoulders. He dances with his body pressed flush against yours, he touches your face, cradles his fingers through your hair. He's always one step ahead of the others; only Hanbin can keep up with his rhythm (but only when it comes to Jiwon and Jinhwan, Chanwoo notices).

 

On the other end of the line, there's Junhoe, the complete opposite. Chanwoo can count the times he's been that close to Junhoe with the fingers of one hand, but it's always different with Jinhwan.

 

Junhoe never has more physical contact than necessary, he lets Hanbin wrap an arm around his shoulders when they all dance together, he's happy to let Chanwoo give him a piggyback when they perform Today, he jumps around with Donghyuk laughing like crazy. He only goes further with Jinhwan. 

 

Chanwoo is used to seeing them gravitating around each other, moving carefully, touching softly when they think no one is looking, as if they are still testing the waters, tiptoeing. But sometimes, when they are on stage, they collide; Jinwhan presses their bodies together the same way he does with everyone else, and Junhoe pulls him even closer; Junhoe's hands always find their way to Jinhwan's waist, Jinhwan's fingers love to tangle themselves in Junhoe's hair.

 

It's like, for a few moments, the screaming, the loud music, and the bright lights make them forget the fragility of their relationship. They get as close as they never dare to go offstage.

 

\--- 

 

Yunhyeong and Donhyuk, they are Chanwoo's favourites, because they are easy.

 

Jiwon and Hanbin are too intense to keep up with, they're almost chaotic. Jinhwan and Junhoe are so frail, sometimes Chanwoo thinks they'll break if he stares for too long, if he notices too much. 

 

But Donghyuk and Yunhyeong, they are calm and steady. They give off this vibe, as if they'd talked about everything they could ever talk about, as if nothing could surprise them. They are sure of each other and sure of what they have, they know how far they can go and when. Didn't have to learn the rules of the game, they wrote them together. 

 

When he looks at them, smiling at each other with glowing eyes, Chanwoo feels safe, as if as long as they are good, they all will be good. And he's pretty sure nothing can break their bond. 

 

There are still some insecurities, dark days when they feel like the world is moving so fast they want to get off it and give up, breathe. But they share that, too. Chanwoo knows, because they also share it with him when he's in the same gloomy mood, when his throat hurts from holding back tears and his lips are chapped from anxious biting. They are always there to take care of him, to talk things out and smooth sharp feelings with precise words.

 

It's so obvious for Chanwoo, how much they love each other, he curses himself for not realizing sooner. He wonders how he could be so deaf, when their eyes scream all about it every time they look at each other. 

 

\--- 

 

But there are a lot of things Chanwoo can't see.

 

\--- 

 

Sometimes, Chanwoo sees Hanbin crumpling after too many days staying up all night trying to work everything out; other times, he sees Jiwon losing it after bottling up the pain of being away from his family for too long. He sees the exhausted grey circles under their red eyes, and their pale lips pressed in tight lines; sees their drooped shoulders and their unsteady hands. And he notices they always drift away from each other when one of them is feeling blue, they look for comfort in Jinhwan's bedroom instead of in each other's arms. 

 

But he never sees them staring at the other from afar, he isn't in their heads and can't listen to their thoughts, blaming themselves for not being as good as Jinhwan when it comes to words, beating themselves up for not being able to comfort the one that makes them smile every day.

 

Chanwoo has seen each of them leaving Jinhwan's bedroom late at night countless times, but he's never there to see how they join the other in bed. They aren't like Donghyuk and Yunhyeong, they never talk, because they don't need to. They just move closer and press and meld and sink together. They thaw the ice in the other's chest through reassuring touches and body heat.

 

Their relationship, Chanwoo would describe it as an explosion, bright and chaotic, always thrilling and warm. But he doesn't know how they got to that point.

 

They never told him about the blurred lines: kisses on the corner of the mouth that turned into eager makeout sessions, pressed against the cold wall of the bathroom during practice breaks; friendly, supportive hugs that turned into emotional embraces, clinging onto each other, breathing hot against the other's neck; Hanbin's warmth melting Jiwon's shield, discovering him layer by layer, as if plucking the petals of a flower. He doesn't know how they got themselves into this without even realizing they were going too far, when Jiwon started to crave Hanbin's touch as much as Hanbin had always craved his, when words stopped being important because they could communicate with one look. 

 

Chanwoo doesn't know when everything changed, maybe because they don't know either. It felt natural, like following the steps of another one of Hanbin's choreographies. It probably was. Something easy and unavoidable; something that simply felt right. 

 

No one knows about their nights, sharing heat and bursting together. Hanbin's nails digging into Jiwon's back, scratching the ink tattooed there. Jiwon's fingers tracing the words over Hanbin's hip before they slip even lower, undoing him under his touch. Fast moves and knees bumping and wrists pinned against the mattress. Sweaty hair sticking to their foreheads, burning lips, low groans. Rough thrusts, matching uneven breathing, and hickeys difficult to hide. Falling asleep entangled and never letting go, not even when they wake up. 

 

\--- 

 

Jinhwan and Junhoe's relationship is so fragile but so different, Chanwoo can't make himself stop looking, always paying attention in case there's a new shift, expecting them to either crumple completely or meld into one. 

 

He gets why they work so well together, they are so different that they complement each other, they fit like puzzle pieces. While Junhoe is obnoxiously loud and confident, Jinhwan is quiet and serious. While Jinhwan is open and emotional, looking for comfort in body heat, Junhoe is reserved and almost cold, only touching when necessary, never talking too deep. 

 

Usually, Jinhwan doesn't care about boundaries, he erases them all. He crawls all over you, it doesn't matter where and when, or if it's appropriate. He fills all of your cracks without asking questions, makes himself a room in your heart even if you don't want him to, elbowing his way in through soft smiles and scorching touches. But when it comes to Junhoe, he always second-guesses. 

 

It's like Junhoe is a wild animal that Jinhwan doesn't want to scare off. He walks on eggshells around him, waiting for the other to come to him instead of pressing carelessly like he does with everyone else. And Junhoe gets closer as time goes by, as if he yearns for Jinhwan's touch a little bit more every day. 

 

Jinhwan is so straightforward it's odd seeing him taking his time with someone, but if you press Junhoe he'll shield away and will never go further than silly jokes and unimportant conversations (that's what Jiwon never learned, that's why their relationship has always been so awkward, Chanwoo is sure of it; because, as he always does, Jiwon treated him like a close friend since the moment they first met, and Junhoe closed himself off). 

 

Chanwoo only sees the surface of their relationship, though, he can't notice how they get closer each day. Junhoe is cutting himself open for Jinhwan, touching him in ways he would never touch anyone else, chaste and intimate, simple touches that feel like huge steps for someone like him. And Jinhwan is being patient like he's never been before, and he's dropping his guard without even realizing. Junhoe is crawling inside of him like a bindweed, the same way Jinhwan always crawls inside of everyone (the way Jinhwan never lets anyone crawl inside of him). 

 

They aren't like Donghyuk and Yunhyeong, who talk about everything, bare-chested and heart in hand. They aren't like Jiwon and Hanbin either, who don't talk because they don't need it anymore after so many years of learning each other. Jinhwan and Junhoe like having long conversations about random stuff; Chanwoo likes to sit with them sometimes and listen to them discuss pointless things, from new lyrics they've been working on to the existence of aliens. 

 

But Chanwoo is never there for their late night conversations. When they talk in their shared hotel rooms, or tangled in Jinhwan's bed in their dorms. They open up about everything but their relationship; they talk about fears and things that made them smile, about wild dreams and their families, about past and future (but never present). They avoid feelings towards each other and this tangled web they are getting trapped into, just like Jiwon and Hanbin, but in a completely different way. While Jiwon and Hanbin get lost between smiles and trust, as if it's something natural and inevitable, Jinhwan and Junhoe feel like it's something they have to hide, something that will break if they voice it, that will feel suddenly so real, so heavy, that it will crush them.

 

Junhoe tried, once. He tried to bring it up, as reserved as he is, clumsy and cold when it comes to things close to the heart. He brought it up one of the nights they let the passion take over them, when they were naked and worn out in bed, tangled between the sheets, smelling like sweat and sex. 

 

“Does it even mean something?” he asked, under his breath and muffled against the pillow.

 

“It can't” was the best answer Jinhwan could offer. 

 

They looked at each other in the eyes for a long time that night, not touching, just staring. And Junhoe didn't have to ask to understand Jinhwan's fears: the dating ban, the press, the country they live in, their bandmates (maybe, if they knew the other members had lost their minds to the same kind of feelings a long time ago, they'd start talking, they'd stop being scared). 

 

Junhoe has never told Chanwoo the irony of how small he feels next to Jinhwan, physically and emotionally, like an inexperienced lost child. Jinhwan has never told anyone how unsure he feels around Junhoe, anxious with things he's never felt before, nervous and overwhelmed. No one knows how the little touches during the days aren't enough. They don't know that Junhoe sneaks into Jinhwan's room every night. They don't know there's always a bed untouched every time they share a hotel room. No one knows about the countless nights they've shared talking until the sun starts to rise, never touching, not even once. They don't know about the countless nights they had to kiss in order to not explode, either. Junhoe carrying Jinhwan to the bed, Jinhwan straddling Junhoe, soft kisses on cheeks before falling asleep. Teeth sinking into collarbones to stop words from coming out and frantic kissing and moans muffled against the other's neck. Fingers tracing patterns over warm skin, hands intertwined and secret smiles pressed against shoulders. 

 

No one knows how Jinhwan goes to sleep, either missing Junhoe's lips or promising himself he will never let his guard down again. No one knows how Junhoe stopped making promises a long time ago, and how he started waiting patiently, even if getting out of bed becomes a little harder every morning. 

 

\--- 

 

Sometimes Chanwoo wonders if there's something he hasn't seen of Yunhyeong and Donghyuk. He doesn't understand how the rest of the group (the rest of the world) is so blind.

 

They don't hide anything, even if they have everything to hide. Chanwoo doesn't know how they are so fearless, when their world is filled with cameras and intolerance and fake faces. But when they share something so beautiful, hiding it would be a cruelty. 

 

They are so open Chanwoo feels bad for looking sometimes, it feels like he's meddling in something too intimate. It's not like he does it on purpose, he's found them kissing on the couch more than once, cuddling tired after shows, having dinners alone at their dorm, late at night, when they think everyone else is already asleep; Yunhyeong cooks something new and they eat together by  the light of some candles (it's their way of having little dates, the best they can have in this messy world of theirs). 

 

The only explanation Chanwoo can find is that everyone knows it, but no one talks about it. Maybe they all see as much as he does, but they want to give them the freedom in their dorm that their lives don't allow them to have. That's the only thing he can think of, when they are so completely and blatantly in love, it's impossible to miss it even if you aren't paying attention. 

 

Still, there are things Chanwoo can't see.

 

Donghyuk is like a ball of sunshine and insecurity all mixed up, overflowing with love but too insecure to share it if he doesn't trust you blindly. That's why Yunhyeong, knowing him better than anyone, always makes the first move. 

 

Yunhyeong introduced himself first, with a welcoming smile on his lips and a warm hand outstretched, like he always does, like he did with Chanwoo. He started talking first, leading Donghyuk through deeper conversations as time went by, and Donghyuk followed him easily, gaining trust day by day. Yunhyeong offered the first hug, too, one day that not even three thick blankets could keep Donghyuk warm, and ever since, Donghyuk has had his safe spot between Yunhyeong's arms. He dragged Donghyuk into bed with him one day when the younger boy woke up from a nightmare of failure on stage, kissed his cheek and mumbled goodnight in his ear for the first time. It's Yunhyeong who kisses Donghyuk first, too. 

 

But, unexpectedly, Donghyuk says _I'm in love with you_ first. During one of their long conversations after an afternoon of playing singstar together. It's abrupt, Donghyuk hides his face in Yunhyeong's neck so he can't see the blush spreading over his cheeks and down his neck; the words are scorching against Yunhyeong's sensitive skin, Donghyuk fidgeting with the hem of his shirt when he blurts it out. 

 

Yunhyeong's first reaction is laughing out loud, head thrown back and eyes closed, and Donghyuk makes himself smaller between his arms, embarrassed and self-conscious. 

 

“Tell me something I don't know,” Yunhyeong whispers when he stops laughing, and pulls at Donghyuk's hair to lift his face and mumble an I love you too against his lips. 

 

Those are all the things Chanwoo always misses. Love confessions under their breath when they can't fall asleep, waking up earlier than they have to just to enjoy breakfast together, lying on the rooftop looking at the sky even when the stars aren't visible. Always asking for consent, always mumbling reassurances against the other's lips. Buying each other gifts for no reason and celebrating special days and Donghyuk singing Yunhyeong to sleep. Slow nights under the sheets of Yunhyeong's bed, kissing until their lips feel numb, touching every inch of each other's bodies, always gentle and wistful. Yunhyeong taking care of Donghyuk the best way he can, Donghyuk taking care of Yunhyeong even if he doesn't want him to.

 

\--- 

 

If there's someone in the group Chanwoo was sure he was going to connect with, it was Yunhyeong.

 

He knows that he met the members at their worst, when they were surrounded by uncertainty; they didn't know if they were ever going to debut, and worst of all, they didn't know if they were going to make it together. But even drowned by doubt and fear, Yunhyeong welcomed him to the group with his arms wide open and ready to accept him, ready to know him. Chanwoo has never known how to thank him (and Yunhyeong never lets him). 

 

They got closer between days spent in the kitchen, Yunhyeong teaching him his best recipes, and days sweating in the practice room, Yunhyeong helping him with every step of every choreography, with every note of every song. Chanwoo is sure that if it wasn't for Yunhyeong and his bad jokes and bright smile and warm hugs, he would have given up a long time ago. But Chanwoo promised himself he would never disappoint Yunhyeong, and he's a man of his word. 

 

Sometimes, they have those moments, Chanwoo's favourites, when Yunhyeong tackles him to the bed, crawls all over him and starts tickling him until they are both sweaty and out of breath. Yunhyeong looks at him, grinning like crazy, with his cheeks flushed and laughter twinkling in his eyes, and he says “you're my favourite.” It sounds chirpy and so honest it actually hurts. Chanwoo always throws him a crooked smile, the one he has for when he's keeping a secret, because he knows it isn't entirely true. Chanwoo is Yunhyeong's favourite little brother; Donghyuk is his favourite everything (and Chanwoo has learned to be okay with that). 

 

\--- 

 

Another thing Chanwoo couldn't see was first kisses.

 

\--- 

 

Hanbin and Jiwon's first kiss goes like this:

 

They've been training for more than two hours when Hanbin gives in to Chanwoo's complaints and decides it's time for a break. Jiwon races him to the bathroom when he's already walking out of the room, and Hanbin runs after him, screaming angrily and calling him a cheater.

 

Hanbin pushes Jiwon into one of the stalls when he gets to the bathroom and finds him smiling out of breath, proud of himself. When Jiwon walks out, Hanbin is looking at himself in the mirror, face wet and flushed, as if he'd rubbed his face with hot water to try to erase the simpering off his face (if that's actually what he did, he failed miserably). 

 

Hanbin's hair is tousled and tangled, drips of water fall down his chin and neck, and Jiwon suddenly wants to pick them up with his tongue. So that's what he does. 

 

He grabs Hanbin by the waist and pushes him against a wall, and he is the one with a dumb smile on his face when Hanbin's loud laughter rebounds off the bathroom tiles. He leans in and presses his nose against Hanbin's cheek, closing his eyes when Hanbin's breath gets caught on his throat, squeezing Jiwon's shirt between his fingers until his knuckles go white.

 

Jiwon lowers his face, brushes his lips over Hanbin's neck, feels him tense up against him. He doesn't know if he's crossing a line here, because there have never been lines to cross between them, every touch is welcomed, the two of them have always wanted to get as close as possible; he doesn't think it should be different this time. So he licks drops off Hanbin's skin, his neck, his cheeks, his chin. Hanbin moans, Jiwon laughs and backs off a bit when Hanbin hits him in the ribs.

 

They are still smiling and out of breath, even though the race is long forgotten, and Hanbin's lips look shiny and prettier than ever, so Jiwon bumps their noses to ask for permission, and presses their lips together when Hanbin doesn't push him away, with his heart in his throat and a thrill running through his veins. 

 

It's difficult to kiss someone properly when you can't stop smiling, with this fluffy feeling tickling your belly and your heart threatening to burst out of your chest. They have to break the kiss three times because they can't contain their laughter, but end up losing themselves in open-mouthed and deep kisses, clinging to each other, hands slipping under clothes and groans slipping out of their throats. The kiss is rushed and messy and tastes like happiness; like a summary of their relationship. 

 

When they break apart, Hanbin's hair is more tousled and tangled than before, his cheeks are redder, his lips pinker. If he could, Jiwon would gladly spend his lifetime kissing him right there.

 

There's no tension between them, no uncomfortable looks or nervous fidgeting. There's only this look on Hanbin's face, clear, open and honest; his eyes say he was expecting it, that he's always ready to move forward and follow Jiwon wherever he wants to take him.

 

Jiwon kisses the corner of Hanbin's mouth, smirks when Hanbin follows his lips when he pulls away, and whispers into Hanbin's ear, “The first one to get back to the practice room gets the first handjob.”

 

He starts running without looking back at Hanbin's startled expression, his obnoxious laughter bouncing everywhere when he hears Hanbin screaming right behind him, calling him cheater one more time. 

 

\--- 

 

Jiwon and Hanbin are like big, busy cities at rush hour: noisy, messy, and fast, colourful and full of life.

 

Obnoxious laughter on the balcony at three in the morning, and walking together to the studio with their hands brushing against each other, and sharing ice cream in winter. Tickle fights, and pillow fights, and serious fights that last less than five minutes. Lingering kisses hidden under blankets during group movie nights, teasing the other on live television, inside jokes that only the two of them can get. Song lyrics about each other that will never see the light, Hanbin pressing smiles against the crook of Jiwon's neck, Jiwon's teeth sinking into Hanbin's earlobe. Improvised rap battles, and Jiwon mumbling about Hanbin in his sleep, and Hanbin hugging him tighter, closer, hands slipping under his shirt. Whispered _stay's_ in the mornings and _I love you's_ before they fall asleep and unsaid _I miss you's_ when one of them is away.

 

\--- 

 

Jinhwan and Junhoe's first kiss goes like this:

 

They've known each other for two years and Jinhwan is still trying to figure Junhoe out without scaring him off. He's learned to be patient, not so touchy and extra careful, things he's never been good at when it comes to friendship. This tension between them is slowly driving him crazy, an uncomfortable feeling that's always in the pit of his stomach, that tells him there's more to their relationship than he wants to admit to himself. And not being able to bring it up because he's too confused (too scared) complicates things even more.

 

Junhoe gets edgy and annoyed easily, and Jinhwan makes it even easier for him. He avoids him or doesn't give him his attention when Junhoe tries to get closer, because sometimes his worries take over him, make him think that maybe running away is the best thing for them, blocking out the tension instead of pushing forward and getting involved in something dangerous they both could regret.

 

It happens one of those nights Junhoe is angry because Jinhwan hasn't had the guts to stay alone with him in the same room all day. After dinner, Jinhwan leans over the back of the couch where Junhoe is sitting, whispers in his ear ,“Are you coming to my room tonight?” and it's more of an invitation than an actual question. Junhoe rolls his eyes, Jinhwan takes it as a no. 

 

It's past two am, Jinhwan is already in his sleeping clothes and under the covers of his bed when the door of his bedroom swings open. 

 

Junhoe lets himself in and closes the door carefully, he rests his back against it and traps his hands between his body and the wood, so he doesn't have to think what to do with them.

 

They stare at each other across the room, and the uncomfortable feeling is back in Jinhwan's stomach, going up his chest and burning his throat. Junhoe lowers gaze after a few seconds, opens his mouth to speak, and Jinhwan pulls the sheets out of his way and stands up before the words can come out. 

 

Straightforward as he is, he walks the space between them looking confident, even though he's shaking from head to toe, feeling ridiculous and self-conscious in his pyjamas. 

 

He doesn't bother to say a word (he wouldn't know how to explain himself, anyway); he buries his worries and insecurities in the back of his mind, stands on his tiptoes and hopes for the best, fingers digging into Junhoe's shoulders as he reaches for his lips with his eyes already closed. 

 

Junhoe kisses back right away, he lets Jinhwan pull him down with a hand around his neck and presses closer, lips half open and eager. The tingling feeling explodes in Jinhwan's chest, it sets his skin on fire, makes him feel relieved and anxious at the same time, and he throws both of his arms around Junhoe's shoulders, deepens the kiss so his mind goes completely blank, free of doubts for the first time since they met, and the only thing he can think is _finally_.

 

Jinhwan gasps against Junhoe's lips when feels hands curling around his thighs. Junhoe lifts him up easily, and Jinwhan wraps his legs around his waist as if they've done it a million times, ignoring his sweating palms and his heart thrumming nervously in his ears.

 

He smiles when Junhoe starts walking towards the bed, presses his burning lips against his neck and chokes his laughter against his skin. The mattress is soft and cold under his back, and Junhoe is solid and warm hovering over him, covering his smile with his mouth one more time, taking him apart for the first of many times.

 

They kiss all night. They keep on kissing when their lips feel numb and when sleep threatens to take over them. They kiss and make a silent pact of not mentioning it in the morning. They kiss and kiss and never word the fear of it never happening again.

 

\--- 

 

Jinwhan and Junhoe are like Saturday nights: hot, intense, and passionate, a little disorienting and overwhelming at times.

 

Waiting and holding back and restraining feelings until they end up overflowing. Deep kisses to stop words from coming out, trying to swap worries away with their lips. They lose their heads once in a while, they undress each other slowly (physically and emotionally, literally and metaphorically). Desperately wanting to run away and stay tangled together in bed at the same time. Soft touches during the days and free falls during the nights, not getting enough sleep because they want to keep on kissing. Junhoe's fingers bruising Jinhwan's waist, Jinhwan's lips brushing against Junhoe's temple, Junhoe's nails scratching Jinhwan's thighs. Nights of shuddering and moaning and coming undone after days of itching fingers and missing the other's skin.

 

\--- 

 

Yunhyeong and Donghyuk's first kiss goes like this:

 

They have a day off and Yunhyeong wakes up early from habit. The dorms are unusually quiet, Donghyuk is asleep in the bed next to his, and the warm light that enters through the window casts shadows over his face, Yunhyeong can't draw his gaze away. It all feels a little dreamy, and he stays in bed for a few minutes, afraid that he's still asleep and he'll wake up to another busy, noisy day if he moves too soon.

 

Donghyuk calls his name when he gets up to make breakfast, he doesn't even bother to open his eyes, he just pulls at the sheets and makes room for Yunhyeong. He loves to tease Donghyuk sometimes, he likes to reject his hugs and tell him he doesn't love him only to see the frustrated shade of pink that covers his cheeks when it happens. But this morning Yunhyeong feels too numb to even consider rejecting this offer jokingly.

 

It's hot under the blankets, and with Donghyuk's body pressed flat against his, irradiating warmth, Yunhyeong feels like he's going to suffocate. But instead of removing the sheets from his body, he covers himself up to his nose, and sinks into the mattress closer to Donghyuk.

 

They are facing each other, their cold feet tangled and their bruised knees bumping, so close that Yunhyeong sees Donghyuk's face a little blurred. It's not the first time they are this close, they trust each other so much they stopped being ashamed of the other noticing the flaws of their skin a long time ago. They like to lie together on the couch after group movie nights, pressed close together because there's barely room for the two of them, talking about nothing and everything. But it has never felt as intense as it feels right now, overwhelming and heart-wrenching.

 

Yunhyeong doesn't know if it's the dream-like atmosphere, or Donghyuk's breath warm over his skin, or the hotness under the blankets, that makes him want to kiss Donghyuk. Maybe it's the unusual quietness, he lives surrounded by music, car noises, and loud laughter everyday, he doesn't think he's had a moment to listen to his own thoughts in years. 

 

He doesn't bother to find a reason, though. This morning is too calm to deprecate, and if he's still dreaming, what better way to wake up than after a kiss.

 

Donghyuk's lips are colder than he expected, rough and chapped, and he doesn't kiss back right away. Yunhyeong pulls away after a few seconds of a chaste press, and a high pitched, needy noise leaves Donghyuk's throat. He reaches for Yunhyeong, chases his lips and hooks a hand around his neck, and Yunhyeong kisses back instantly, even though it's hard with the smile that's playing in the corner of his lips.

 

Their lips brush together gently, sharing breathe and shudders, deepening slowly, and Yunhyeong wonders if sweaty palms and dizziness is what you feel when you find something you didn't even know you where looking for, when everything falls into place easily and unexpectedly. The kiss is quiet and warm like the morning, feels like a dream (even better, Yunhyeong thinks).

 

When they pull apart, there's this shade of pink that Yunhyeong loves so much covering Donghyuk's cheeks.

 

“You look so cute when you blush,” he whispers against Donghyuk's cheek.

 

Donghyuk makes an embarrassed noise and hides his face in Yunhyeong's neck, trying to get even closer, but it's impossible.

 

\--- 

 

Donghyuk and Yunhyeong are like summer Sunday mornings: warm, soft, and lazy, creamy and bright.

 

Chirpy laughter at eight in the morning, when everyone else is too tired and grumpy to even try to smile. Hot showers together, Donghyuk lathering Yunhyeong's hair, and Yunhyeong's lips chasing drips of water down Donghyuk's chest. Kisses on the corner of the mouth, cooking together, feeding each other. Donghyuk giving eskimo kisses and Yunhyeong crumpling his nose and pushing him away. Yunhyeong jokingly rejecting hugs, Donghyuk blushing when Yunhyeong whispers in his ear, having to bite the smiles off of their faces every time they look at each other. Blind trust and endless hugs and make out sessions with the door unlocked, too drowned in each other to care if they get caught. 

 

\--- 

 

Chanwoo can't remember a time in his life when he was this happy. 

 

He's always been accustomed to cameras and backstages and having to work with people he barely knows, being a model and an actor since he was a little kid, this kind of life isn't new to him.

 

It's tougher now, though. He's always in planes or up on stages or in buses, and when he isn't performing or travelling or shooting a new music video, he's spending day after day in the practice room; because it doesn't matter how hard he trains, it's never enough, he's never perfect (he never will be).

 

It's exhausting and draining, and sometimes he wants to give up and go hide in his mother's arms. Sometimes he feels too small and too weak to keep up, to follow the same rhythm as the other members. 

 

But they always wait for him, they always will.

 

They are always there for him, they've taught him that you can be good enough even if you aren't perfect; and even though Chanwoo sees them overworking themselves as much as he does to reach that perfection, he's started to believe them.

 

When he's up on stage, with his friends by his side and their music filling everything up, with thousands of people looking up at him, screaming their lungs out and going crazy, he feels like that's perfection. Nothing could ever be more perfect than that. No one could be happier than he is during those moments. 

 

It's exhausting and draining and he feels worn out most of the time, but he would never change it.

 

Chanwoo is hesitation, insecurity, and overcoming fears. He is feeling out of place and lonely, but moving forward anyway. He is learning to stop being scared, learning to ask for help, holding back tears. Chanwoo is lame jokes and making fun of the other members (his brothers) and always getting away with it. He is big shiny eyes, wide smiles with dimples, oversized clothes. He's mischief and gentleness and kindness. He's an example of improvement and growth and strength.

 

Chanwoo is observant, too, and he knows that the group is about to blow up. He doesn't know when it will happen, but there's too much tension and too many secrets and feelings that have been silenced for way too long, and he can feel the explosion coming. 

 

But luckily, Chanwoo knows more than he should. He's more than ready to be the glue to stick them all together when the hard times come. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading, please tell me what you think about it


End file.
